How to become an ace at receiving feedback

As hard as receiving constructive feedback can be, it’s sometimes just as hard to give a colleague feedback, especially if you’re not really sure how they’ll take it. Words are softened, real feedback is lost, or – in the worst case – you get a ‘keep doing what you’re doing’, which in my opinion is the worst kind of feedback to get!

Here’s what one can do (as a feedback receiver) to make sure the person giving out the feedback feels comfortable, which in turn enriches the kind of feedback you’re getting from them.

1. Take a pen and a notebook with you and jot things down!

If you enter a feedback conversation with a pen and paper in hand, it sets the tone: “I think what you’re going to say to me is important, and I’m making notes so I can reflect on our conversation later”. As they speak, take down points, and actions. Keep your attention on them, but feel comfortable enough to focus on writing too.

Avoid using a laptop for note-taking in this situation. Having a screen open acts as a shield between you two, creating an extra layer that interferes with the communication. If you cannot avoid using a laptop, make sure the monitor isn’t between the two of you and that do-not-disturb mode is on

2. Avoid making excuses or listing reasons that explain your behaviour or performance

Here’s the thing. Every behaviour you can get feedback on will have an underlying reason. “You didn’t collaborate enough” can be explained with “Oh but I tried. Carlos was never available for meetings, and then I was working late so couldn’t match our schedules, etc. etc.”

Listing these reasons, however valid, makes you seem overly defensive. It can make the person giving the feedback think “Oh if he was going to give excuses for everything why did he even bother asking me”

There are situations where you do need to explain yourself – for your own or your team’s sake. In which case, frame it as a reason+action pair. “Our schedules didn’t match, I can see how it gave an impression of me not collaborating, let me catch up with Carlos over a coffee asap”

3. Don’t keep asking for examples over and over

If a feedback being given to you is behavioural, it’s very possible that the person giving you feedback doesn’t have a particular situation in mind during the conversation. “I think some of your responses are too blunt” might be feedback that’s been fed off of multiple interactions and scenarios.

At this point, the behaviour perception (of you being blunt) already exists. Trying to keep probing for examples makes you come across as trying to disprove their feedback (here’s the undertone that can come across: “Can you give me an example of when I was blunt? Can you? No? A-ha! In which case, this feedback of yours to me is clearly invalid!)

This doesn’t mean don’t ask for examples. You need to so you can hone in on situations are try and improve the behaviour. “Do any recent situations come to mind where I was being blunt?” is a good way of asking the question. But if you get an answer along the lines of “not really, no, I’m sorry” – don’t push it. Accept it and move on.

4. Don’t go back for more feedback if you haven’t actioned what you received last time

Pretty self-explanatory, really. If you decided to ignore feedback someone gave you before (well within your rights), going back to them indicates “I don’t really care what you say, I’m just doing it because reasons”

If you’re planning on actioning it but just haven’t had a chance to do so, mention it in the conversation “I remember you told me I need to improve my powerpoint skills, and I’ve signed on the an online course, but i was wondering if we could have a quick chat about my team leadership, specifically in the last project.”

5. Help guide the conversation

Being told ‘Give me feedback’ can actually be quite daunting for some. This is the core reason for the “keep doing what you’re doing” situations.

A good way to avoid this is to ask about your performance in specific situations. “What did you think of my presentation to Stephanie yesterday?” or “How do you think my project management of xyz is going” are a couple of ways of doing so

6. Give them a heads-up

Giving someone feedback involves thought – it’s not improv! Give your person a heads-up when you pencil in time with them. “Hey Stephanie, could we meet over coffee next week? I would love to get your thoughts on how the transformation has gone, and I’d love any insights you have about how i can do a better job.” would work brilliantly

7. Maybe avoid the word feedback

For some reason, today, the word ‘Feedback’ seems to have negative, almost scary undertones attached to it – maybe because it goes hand-in-hand with ‘constructive criticism’ so much. Try avoid using it tons when you’re having your conversation.

That’s it, really. Shout out to Prof. Harry Kraemer, who drilled these concepts into my head over a semester at Kellogg!

Umm… feedback about my post welcome in comments! 🙂